unicorn

HAPPY NEW YEAR you wonderful lovely people you!

So, here’s a story: when I was a little girl, every New Year at the stroke of midnight, my Grandad would open the back door to let the old year out and the front door to let the new year in. He still does this now in fact.

I remember being so scared of opening that back door and letting go of the old year that I knew so well – the memories, the moments, the friends I had made, and subconsciously even though Grandad Jack (or G-Diddy as he is known in our fam) is still going strong (90 in April!), I used to look at him opening that back door, letting go of the old year and think that time goes on, people get old, and people die. And that made me sad.

I was scared of change and time moving on.

Funny thing is, I don’t know when it happened, but I realise now I actively crave change – I have become the opposite: “I can’t wait to see the back of 2018, that year can get in the bin”, “I can’t wait for 2018 when I can quit my job and be self employed!”, “OMG hurry up 2017 so I can get married”… and so on, and so on and so on.

Now I will and wish every waking second to be better than the last, often forgetting the things that were good, allowing them to be overshadowed by the things I did not enjoy.

As I said in my final blog of 2018, the year ended quite badly for me, but there was also a lot of good stuff that I wouldn’t change, and without these bad experiences we don’t get to experience the good stuff in the way that we do. Lotus power innit?

The key to remembering this is to stay well within the present, be present in yourself, be present in those around you, be present with what you have.

But hindsight is a beautiful thing isn’t it? Like yes it’s easy to say now, but easy to remember in the heat of the moment? NO!

And truth be told, in all honesty I wonder whether the more I connect with my mind through my body, the more insane I feel like I drive myself sometimes. Like the deeper I go the more issues I find, like an onion.

But like an onion, I think I have definitely started to peel back a lot of layers since I trained as a yoga teacher, or started to train, as this whole thing has been therapy – and I’m finding things beneath the surface – issues that I never even knew about before, and I’m like oh hello, where did you come from? How can we address you today – all in the grand scheme of making myself a better version of me (I hope – and at least I feel that I am!).

Ok so you might thing, yeah but I don’t want to go deep, ignorance is bliss isn’t it? Yes – but what happens to a wound when you ignore it? Then it gets infected and ends up being worse than it was if you just went to the Doctor in the first place? Yes – and anxiety and stress are like that too. Cover them up and they will only come a knockin’ years later – or maybe they will even come out as a physical defect within your body? (Rumour has it issues with blood clots can be caused by a lack of communication with the self and others – ok well there’s a theory I’m gain to explore…)

So because of this, this reluctance to just stick a band aid over anything I am feeling right now, I’m peeling that onion, crying those tears and bearing it all out here to help you (and me!) understand that happiness does not exist in the future, unless you make changes in the present.

SO – back to my point (was there a point? Is there ever a point? I’m worse than Ross Noble at a stand up gig sometimes), this year I made intentions, not resolutions. As I explained in my class – a resolution is a firm decision not to do something, so we don’t like those types of ideals in yoga, we like intentions – an aim or a plan!

So one of my intentions was to be more like a unicorn, because:

  • A unicorn is magical and spreads magic wherever it goes (I like the sound of that)
  • A unicorn embraces its lumps and bumps and displays them for all to see (I’m referring to the horn there, for me it’s the stone and half in weight I have put on since I got married – go figure I like cake and beer!)
  • A unicorn is strong (inside and out – they are the creatures you want on your side in a fight – like an Aries boo-yah!)
  • A unicorn is rare, exquisite and desirable (need I explain why this is an excellent thing?)
  • A unicorn is also rainbow coloured and farts glitter which is obviously awesome too

So yeah I wanna be magical – I would like to surrender more to the will of the universe and just go with the flow a little – that way if my plans get scuppered I won’t get so worked up about it, and won’t be an arse to those around me because I won’t get mad as a result – hence being more magical.

And yeah I wanna embrace my lumps and bumps – well actually 2018 I think you helped me with that – in fact the DVT did – because this is the first Christmas I didn’t give a flying f*ck about what I ate or the lack of exercise I did because I’ve been resting my body and drinking prosecco like it’s water (on the basis that it is a ‘blood thinner’) since my diagnosis, so I didn’t even notice any extra pounds on the bod – and even if I had I genuinely don’t think I would have cared. Which is a HUGE win for me! (Everything happens for a reason, right?)

I wanna be strong – but not strong for others, strong for myself – and if that means saying no a little bit more to people then I will – it’s not always the right thing to do to help everyone in need if you spread yourself so thin there is nothing left of you.

And I want to be rare and exotic – to be seen as individual, different, special, one of a kind, quirky, off beat, like no one else – all those things, are compliments of the highest level to me. I hope people think I am mad as a box of frogs, I really do, because at least I know I am being true to myself.

So, again, back to my point… I’m gonna ask you to do me a favour – don’t promise ‘new year, new me’, promise ‘new year, wiser me’, or ‘new year, more experienced me’ because we really don’t need to change ourselves. Instead this new year, and any other new year, we just get older, wiser, more adaptable to change and become a more enlightened and awesome version of ourselves.

Awesome like my G-Diddy – who at (nearly) 90 years old still lives on his own, still drives a car and still stands on one leg to put his socks on.

Fair play G-Didz you ledge!

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